Honne (本音) & Tatemae (建前): The art of reading the Japanese

If you've lived in Japan for a long time, you've surely been in this situation more than once:

A Japanese superior praises you: 「鈴木さん、いつも頑張ってるね！」(Suzuki-san, you're always working hard!) but you feel like there's something... not entirely sincere?

A partner says: 「その件、前向きに検討します」(We will consider that matter positively) and then you never hear from them again?

Welcome to the world of Honne (本音) and Tatemae (建前) - two core concepts for understanding the psychology and communication style of the Japanese.

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🎌 What is Tatemae (建前)?

Tatemae can be translated as "public face," "socially acceptable words." These are the opinions, behaviors, and words that a person displays publicly to conform to social expectations, maintain harmony (和 - Wa), and avoid offending others.

• 🗣️ It's a shield: Helps relationships run smoothly.
• 📜 It's a script: What you "should" say, not what you "want" to say.

A classic example: When you visit someone's house and are about to leave, the host says: 「もう少しいかがですか？」(Would you like to stay a little longer?) This is Tatemae. You should understand that this is a polite remark and should respond with something like: 「いえいえ、もう遅いので、そろそろ失礼します」(No, no, it's getting late, so I should be going now).

❤️ What is Honne (本音)?

Honne are your true thoughts and feelings, what lies deep in your heart. This is your true self, without any shell.

• 🤫 It's very private: Japanese people usually only share Honne with very close people like family, spouses, or best friends (called 身内 - miuchi relationships).
• 🎯 It's straightforward: Can cause offense if not expressed in the right place and at the right time.

Example, continuing from the above situation: The host's Honne might be: "Finally, the guest is leaving, I'm so tired, I want to go to bed early." (やっと帰るか。疲れたから早く寝たいな)

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🤔 Why is there this distinction?

In Japanese culture, where collectivism and harmony (和) are highly valued, directly expressing personal feelings (especially negative ones) can be seen as selfish and disruptive. Tatemae was born as an essential social tool for people to live and work together peacefully.

It's not "fake" or "deceptive." Think of it as an advanced communication skill to maintain social balance.

💡 A tip to avoid getting "lost" between Honne and Tatemae

As someone who has lived here for over 10 years, my experience is that you don't need to try to "expose" other people's Honne. Instead, learn to "read the air" (空気を読む - Kuuki wo yomu).

1. Don't just listen, observe: Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, and context.
2. See if there's a specific action: The invitation 「今度飲みに行きましょう！」(Let's go for a drink next time!) is just Tatemae if it's not followed by a specific question like 「来週の金曜日はどう？」(How about next Friday?).
3. Accept Tatemae as part of the culture: Don't judge it as good or bad. See it as a rule of etiquette, just like saying "No, thank you, I've already eaten" when offered food, even if you're hungry.

Understanding Honne and Tatemae is the key to decoding many "awkward" situations in Japan and communicating much more subtly. Good luck!