すみません (Sumimasen): When 'I'm sorry' is the most sincere 'Thank you'

I'm sure you've been in this situation: you hold the door for a Japanese person behind you, and instead of hearing a「ありがとう」(Arigatou), you hear them say「すみません」(Sumimasen) with a bow. 🤔

When I first came to Japan, I was very confused. I helped them, so why are they apologizing to me? Did I do something wrong?

After more than 10 years, I've come to understand that this is one of the deepest subtleties in Japanese communication. And すみません is a much more “multitasking” word than you might think.

Analyzing the roots of すみません

Simply put, すみません originally means "this is not over / I cannot be at ease." It expresses a feeling of guilt, an unpaid debt of gratitude.

From this original meaning, すみません is used in 3 main cases with different nuances:

1. 🙏 Thank you (When receiving help)

This is the most subtle and "Japanese" way of using it. When a Japanese person helps you, they have invested their effort, time, and attention.

Instead of just saying「ありがとう」(Thank you), saying「すみません」shows that you are not only grateful, but also aware of the trouble you have caused them.

• Example: Someone picks up a pen you dropped. You say すみません meaning: "Ah, thank you, and I'm also sorry for the trouble of having you bend down to pick it up for me."
• Example: You are invited to someone's house for dinner. When you leave, you say ごちそうさまでした。本当にすみません。 (Thank you for the meal. I'm so sorry for the trouble).

It expresses humility and a deep appreciation for the other person's efforts.

2. 🗣️ Getting attention (Excuse me)

This is a rather familiar use. When you want to start a conversation, ask for directions, or call a waiter, you use すみません.

• Example: In a restaurant: すみません、注文お願いします。 (Excuse me, I'd like to order.)

The logic here is: "I'm sorry for bothering you." You apologize before interrupting their work or concentration.

3. 🙇 Apologizing (When making a mistake)

This is the most basic meaning that we learn in textbooks. When you do something wrong, you use すみません.

• Example: Accidentally bumping into someone on the train: あ、すみません！ (Oh, I'm sorry!)

The logic here is: "I'm sorry for having bothered you."

Practical tip: When to use すみません vs. ありがとう?

So should you always use すみません instead of ありがとう? Not really.

• Use「ありがとう」: When you want to express joy and gratitude directly and positively. For example, when receiving a birthday gift, being complimented... In these situations, ありがとう is more appropriate.
• Use「すみません」: When the other person's help comes with them having to endure some trouble/hardship. This is a way to show appreciation and humility.
• The native speaker's ultimate trick: Combine both! すみません、ありがとうございます！ (I'm sorry, thank you so much!). This is a way to both express humble apology and clearly affirm gratitude. Extremely effective!

Understanding the versatility of すみません is a key to communicating more naturally and subtly in Japan. Try applying it! 😉