Beyond 'Fighting for It': The Japanese Art of 'Coming to Terms' with 折り合いをつける

Life in Japan, or anywhere for that matter, is full of moments where we feel stuck. 😫

• You want to execute a project in the most perfect way, but your boss wants a quick and cheap solution.
• You dream of being a freelance artist, but the reality is you need a stable job to pay the bills.
• You and your partner constantly clash over a minor issue, with neither willing to back down.

In these situations, Western culture often encourages us to "fight for what you believe in" or "never give up." But the Japanese have a different philosophy, a more nuanced tool for navigating these conflicts: 折り合いをつける (oriai o tsukeru).

This isn't about giving up, nor is it simply about compromise. It's an art, a skill of maturity that allows one to find peace in an imperfect world. Let's decode this masterful technique!

🔍 What is 折り合いをつける?

To truly understand, let's look at the characters:

• 折る (oru): To fold, to bend.
• 合う (au): To fit, to match, to meet.

Combined,「折り合い」paints a picture of both sides bending a little so they can fit together. It's not about one side winning and the other losing. It's about finding a meeting point where things can function harmoniously.

「折り合いをつける」has two main layers of meaning:

1. With Others: Reaching an agreement or settlement in relationships or negotiations. For example, two parties arguing over a price finally find a figure acceptable to both. That's 値段の折り合いをつけた (finding a compromise on the price).
2. With Oneself: This is the more profound layer. It means "to come to terms with one's own feelings," "to accept reality," or "to find a balance between ideals and reality."

😠 The Crucial Difference: 折り合いをつける vs. 諦める vs. 妥協する

Many Japanese learners easily confuse these three concepts. But for someone who has lived in Japan for a long time, the difference between them is night and day.

• 諦める (akirameru) - To Give Up 😞 This is the act of stopping completely, admitting defeat. It carries a negative connotation of resignation and regret. When you 諦める, you close that door for good.

• 妥協する (dakyō suru) - To Compromise 😑 This is the closest translation, but it often implies an outcome where neither party is truly 100% satisfied. Each side has to sacrifice something. It's a stopgap solution, a "necessary evil." For example, you want to go to the beach, the other person wants to go to the mountains. You 妥協して and go to a place that has both, but neither is at its best.

• 折り合いをつける (oriai o tsukeru) - To Settle, Find a Balance 😊 This term has a much more positive and mature nuance. It's not about reluctantly accepting a worse outcome, but about proactively finding a sustainable and realistic solution. It's a wise acceptance that we can't always have 100% of what we want. It's about finding satisfaction in a "good enough" solution and moving forward with peace of mind.

To put it simply:

• 諦める is losing the game.
• 妥協する is an unhappy draw.
• 折り合いをつける is finding a new way to play so everyone can continue.

💼 折り合いをつける in Real Life

Scenario 1: At the Workplace 🏢

You are a passionate designer who wants to overhaul the company website with a modern, minimalist style. Your traditional-minded boss wants to keep the old structure and just change the colors.

• 諦める: You give up, make no more proposals, and grow disenchanted with your job.
• 妥協する: You grudgingly do as your boss says, creating a patched-together product you're not proud of.
• 折り合いをつける: You sit down with your boss. You explain the benefits of the new design but also listen to their concerns about confusing long-time users. Finally, you propose a solution: keep the main navigation structure but completely refresh the user interface within it. You have found a balance between the new and the old, a solution both of you can accept and be proud of.

Scenario 2: Personal Dreams 🎸

Your dream is to be a full-time novelist. But the reality is you need your 9-to-5 office job.

Instead of giving up on your dream (諦める), you 折り合いをつける with reality. You accept that, for now, the office job is necessary. You dedicate two hours every evening and your entire weekend to writing. You no longer beat yourself up for "not living your passion," but instead find satisfaction in balancing responsibility and your creative pursuits. That's coming to terms with yourself.

Scenario 3: Relationships ❤️

You are extremely tidy, while your partner is a bit messy. This causes endless arguments.

You realize you can't completely change who they are. You 折り合いをつける by setting a common rule: the living room and kitchen must always be neat, but their personal office can be their own chaotic kingdom. You accept a little imperfection in exchange for long-term harmony.

Conclusion: The Power of Acceptance

「折り合いをつける」 is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is a sign of emotional intelligence and maturity. It's the ability to recognize which battles are worth fighting and where we need to seek harmony instead.

In a society that values harmony like Japan, this is a survival skill. But even if you're not in Japan, learning how to 「折り合いをつける」 with your job, your dreams, and yourself can be the key to living a lighter, more peaceful life. 🍃

Next time you face a wall, instead of trying to punch through it, ask yourself: "Is there a way I can 折り合いをつける here?"