The Art of Asking for a 'Polite Lie': Mastering 建前でもいいから (Tatemae demo ii kara)

Hello everyone! For those of us who, like me, have been living and working in Japan for over a decade, the concepts of Honne (本音) and Tatemae (建前) are second nature. Honne is one's true feelings, while Tatemae is the 'social facade'—the words and actions appropriate for social harmony.

We've all learned to "read" someone else's Tatemae, but did you know there's a master trick to actually request that someone use their Tatemae with you? 🤔

That's where this advanced phrase comes in: 「建前でもいいから」(Tatemae demo ii kara) - "Even if it's just for show, that's fine."

This is a potent communication 'weapon' you'll never find in a textbook, allowing you to skillfully navigate complex social situations.

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🤯 When Do You Need to 'Ask' for a Tatemae?

Imagine this scenario:

You're a team leader and you assign a seemingly difficult task to a junior colleague (kouhai). Instead of saying 「はい、やってみます！」(Yes, I'll give it a try!), they immediately reply:

😫 Kouhai: 「いやー、それは無理っすよ。絶対できません。」 (Whoa, that's impossible. There's no way I can do that.)

How does that make you feel? It's a real mood killer, right? The problem isn't whether the kouhai can actually do it, but that their negative attitude from the get-go can poison the team's morale.

In that moment, you don't need a firm promise of success; you just need a positive attitude, even if it's just for show. This is the perfect moment to deploy our weapon:

👩‍💼 You: 「『できません』じゃなくてさ…。建前でもいいから、『はい、頑張ります』って言ってくれない？」 (Instead of saying 'I can't'... Even if it's just for show, that's fine, could you please just say 'Yes, I'll do my best'?)

✨ BOOM! You're not forcing your kouhai to succeed. You're simply requesting a Tatemae to maintain morale and forward momentum. You are acknowledging their Honne ('this seems really hard') but asking for a Tatemae ('I'll try') for the greater good.

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🛠️ Deconstructing the Phrase and its Nuances

• 建前 (Tatemae): The public face/words/actions for the sake of social harmony.
• 〜でもいいから (~demo ii kara): A grammar point meaning "Even if it's just A, that's fine (but I'd still like to have it)." It shows you're making a concession and lowering your expectations.

When combined, 「建前でもいいから」 carries a very profound nuance:

• "I know your true feeling (Honne) might be different."
• "I'm not asking you to change that feeling."
• "But for the sake of the current situation, I would be happy if you would just say/act this way (Tatemae)."

This is high-level empathy and compromise, acknowledging the existence of both Honne and Tatemae in communication.

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💡 Prime Situations for Usage

This phrase is incredibly versatile and can be used in various contexts, from the office to personal life.

1. In Business Negotiations 🤝

You and a client have reached a deadlock. They don't seem convinced by your proposal. You might say to your boss:

「お客さん、本音では納得してないでしょうけど、建前でもいいから『前向きに検討します』の一言がほしいですね。」 (The client probably isn't truly convinced, but even if it's just a polite formality, I really want to get them to say 'We will consider it positively.')

Here, you don't need their immediate agreement. You just need a socially acceptable 'promise' to keep the conversation alive for the next meeting. It's a small but crucial step forward.

2. In Friendships 🧑‍🤝‍🧑

Your close friend has just gone through a breakup and is constantly complaining and being negative. You could advise them:

「落ち込むのは分かるけどさ…。建前でもいいから、『明日から頑張る』って言ってみなよ。言葉にすると、少しは気分も変わるかもしれないよ。」 (I get that you're down... But even if you're just saying it, try saying 'I'll do my best starting tomorrow.' Putting it into words might actually change how you feel a little.)

You're not demanding they cheer up instantly. You're suggesting a verbal 'push'—a Tatemae for themselves—to break the cycle of negativity.

3. When 'Correcting' Someone's Attitude ⚠️

Your child is showing a sulky face after you've asked them to do a chore. You could say:

「そんな嫌そうな顔しないで。建前でもいいから、『はいはい』って気持ちよく返事してちょうだい。」 (Don't make that annoyed face. Even if you don't feel like it, that's fine, just give me a cheerful 'Yes, yes'.)

This is a way of teaching the importance of maintaining a pleasant atmosphere in the family, showing that sometimes the outward attitude is more important than the internal feeling.

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✅ Conclusion: Beyond True and False

「建前でもいいから」 is not a request to be deceptive. It's a sophisticated communication tool that acknowledges that in many situations, attitude and superficial cooperation are more important for progress than absolute agreement in one's heart.

Using it shows that you are flexible, socially aware, and capable of navigating the complex interpersonal dynamics of Japan.

Next time you find yourself in a bind because of someone's brutal honesty, try using this phrase. You might find that your life in Japan becomes a whole lot smoother!

Have you ever been in a situation where you wished you could ask someone for a Tatemae? Share in the comments! 👇